If I expect rain, can I be happier?

March 21, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

I grew up watching sitcoms on TV like Full House, Friends, and Family Matters. Have you ever noticed how clean those houses were? Even though you never saw anyone cleaning? How every issue got resolved in 30 minutes? Maybe once in a while an episode was ‘to be continued’ and took a whole hour. Everything worked out even though there were some major communication, and personality issues! Today there are so many shows and YouTube videos where the house looks perfect, the makeup is perfect, the view is perfectly filtered. It makes it so hard to remember the truth. Facebook too, is this magical place where studies have shown the longer we stay connected, the worse we feel about ourselves.

You know this, but I believe it affects us in powerful ways that cause anxiety if we’re not careful. When you look at so much of the world around you through media, and even with friends, it appears perfect. Then you look at your own life, and feel inadequate. You don’t see people displaying the times when the house is a mess, the kids are crying, they’re folding laundry, having an argument with a spouse, or scrubbing the toilet.

You see a vision of a world where it never rains. Where it’s sunshine all the time. So when it rains in your world; when the husband leaves, the kids hate you, you have a panic attack, and life isn’t working out the way you planned, you think something is majorly wrong. When you never see real life in a real life community or in media, you have no idea how very normal it is to have bad days. In our consumer driven society that just doesn’t sell. So unfortunately and I believe detrimentally, it’s filtered out.

It would be like finding yourself out in a rainstorm, when you’ve never experienced rain. You’d think- “Oh no! What if it never stops! How will we live with this? What if everything gets wet and ruined? This is a disaster. I’ve never seen anything like this. I’ll never be dry again! What if my skin melts? What do I do? No one told me about this! I don’t see anyone else going through this! I must have done something wrong to make it rain! ” You’d totally freak out. That sounds silly, but it’s pretty close to how far away what we all see everyday online is removed from real life.

In life are times that just suck. When these come, it means your life is normal, you’re normal, and you’re still doing a good job. Even when you’re not. That’s the thing. There will be layoffs, death, disease, and crappy people who don’t treat you well. There will be big life decisions that don’t have a clear answer. You’ll have to make a decision without all the facts. Even if you pray. Even if you meditate. Even if you are ‘woke’, enlightened, and self actualized. If you’re looking for a life without pain, it’s the same as looking for a life without rain.

The good news is that rain brings life! We grow from the hard times. In no way whatsoever am I calling them good. Not at all. I’m not talking about ‘just be positive’. I’m saying we learn so much and grow so much through them. Good things come from them. For me, I grew when my little brother took his life over 13 years ago. When a business I started 12 years ago closed after 5 years. When my goal to help people a certain way through this business, failed. When I struggle in my marriage. When I struggle as a mom. When my daughter got diagnosed with anxiety, ADHD and dyslexia- and the years I spent in denial before that. I learned a ton from broken relationships. I learned from trying to connect and love my abusive father as an adult. When he passed away without any reconciliation I learned a lot. I learned so much working in hospice for a few years. Each of these experiences and so many more, have been part of my journey. Not always pretty. Not always clean. But absolutely valuable for healing. I believe this is beautiful. It would take me all day to write what I’ve learned from all this. Just like what you’ve learned from your journey would fill many many pages.

So when life’s hard, please remember these tips:

You are enough! I’ll continue to say this forever. The most talented, amazing, successful people have bad days, weeks, and seasons. The trick is to not fill your mind with terrible images of yourself being not good enough. You are enough! No matter what.
Rain is temporary. “This too shall pass.” This painful event is not the end. There’s always hope! Say this over and over until you believe it. You’re stronger than you know! Even events that are life-changing and world-altering aren’t bad forever.
Rain brings life. We each have the choice to see the growth, or only see the pain. This is a powerful choice that brings beauty or bitterness in life.
Ok, this may be weird, but when I struggle with something I google it. You can find so much on YouTube. I found Esther Perel by googling marriage advice. I found Marie Forleo by googling business questions. There are amazing grief groups. I learned a ton about how to deal with my youngest daughter that has anxiety. We live in this amazing age of information.
Listen to the still small voice. I will also say this forever. Even though I love to fill my head with knowledge, I have to sit with God to see what I’m supposed to do with it. That’s wisdom. You have an unlimited resource within you all the time. Learn to listen. This alone decreases anxiety a ton.
Forgive yourself. Say this often. “I did what I could with what I had.” When you know better, you’ll do better. Don’t beat yourself up for things you didn’t know.
Remember this quote from Steve Furtick, “Don’t compare your behind the scenes, with someone else’s highlight reel.” You may need to spend less time online to accomplish this. I have to take a break when I’m starting to feel crappy.
Get help. Find someone to walk through this with you. There are people who’ve gone through similar things. It’s amazing once you start opening up, how many people have experienced the same things. And lived to tell.
Stay away from anyone who judges or makes you think there’s something wrong with you. Some people haven’t experienced rain, or have a weird superstition that we cause the rain, so they still freak out about it and blame others. Don’t waste your time there.
Now I’d love to hear about a time when you learned from a hard or painful time in your life. Please share in the comments below.

If you are looking for help in this area, please visit www.cyrinatalbott.com to see if Rapid Transformational Therapy may be the next step for you.

If you’re not on the email list to get the blog weekly as well as other encouragement, sign up here. I’d love to keep in touch. There’s an amazing community developing who don’t judge, have been through rain and have huge hearts.

Is it fair to ask for rapid relief from anxiety and emotional pain?

March 15, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

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Anesthetics in one form or another have been around for millennia. But the from we’re used to today became popular in the late 1800’s. In 1846, “On October 16, William T. G. Morton (1819-1868) made history by being first in the world to publicly and successfully demonstrate the use of ether anesthesia for surgery. This occurred at what came to be called "The Ether Dome," at Massachusetts General Hospital on patient Edward Gilbert Abbott.”**

Before that, people who needed surgery, a tooth removed, or an amputation to prevent deadly infection, had to drink some alcohol and bite a leather belt. Can you imagine? Have you ever had surgery? I’ve had a couple knee surgeries and my kids have been put under anesthesia as well. I was scared but it was no big deal. I could never have had this surgery without anesthesia. …….Some doctors were justifiably scared because of the fact that if doses weren’t carefully calculated, people died. That’s a legit concern. But the answer was to become more educated, not avoid further research. Others were mad because Morton was a common dentist. To them, he wasn’t smart enough and was serving “populist sentiments”.

Yes, yes he was. Because the populist sentiment was “I’d like to have surgery so that my body can operate well, without excruciating pain. Please and thank you.” Those pesky populist sentiments!

The bottom line is this- anesthesia helps millions of people everyday have pain free surgeries. For many of these people these are life-saving surgeries and procedures. It wasn’t totally understood or accepted at first, but now we can’t imagine a world without it.

Where am I going with all this? I believe hypnosis is to emotional healing, what anesthesia is to surgery. This has been a picture in my head since the day I learned about Rapid Transformational Therapy. There are so many parallels. When you have an emotional issue that’s holding you back, you need to find the cause. With my knee, it was that the meniscus was torn.Even more important than knowing what’s wrong however, is correcting it. That’s what I do with my clients. This is where hypnosis comes in.

Hypnosis is just a relaxed state. Afraid of it? Don’t be. You already operate in this state every day.

Am I a good enough parent?

March 7, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

I’ve been having a really hard time staying calm while dealing with my oldest daughter. She recently said, “You’re a therapist, you should be good at listening and encouraging.” I am really good at it- with everyone but her! Which breaks my heart. I love her so much. I even told her, “I love you so much, that’s why I’m hard on you!” Don’t you always feel so loved when people are hard on you all the time and never give you a break? Me neither! I’ve been hard on her because I’ve been scared. Scared that I didn’t do a good job raising her. Scared she’d make the same mistakes I made as a teen- things that really hurt and I wish I’d never done. But mostly scared that me doing my best, isn’t good enough. So when she’s anxious or angry or sad, I’ve been struggling. I’m perfectly able to hold space and let other people be anxious, angry and sad, but not her. My reasons are understandable, but to her it just feels like crap.

That’s why I’m so grateful for RTT, Rapid Transformational Therapy. It’s so powerful to help us be better people and have better relationships. I’ve been able to use it to figure out why I’ve been having such a hard time.

There's nothing wrong with you!

February 28, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

Most of the time I’m pretty chill. A lot of people call me peaceful even. My kids don’t, but other people do… But one thing that totally gets me angry is when people feel like crap for behaviors that they do that are hurtful to themselves, behaviors that they’re trying to quit. I see clients with debilitating depression, addiction, eating issues, self sabotage, and anxiety, who are blaming themselves for not being strong enough to just be positive or quit the behavior. Maybe you’ve been there. You think, “If I were stronger I wouldn’t be dealing with this, I feel so dumb that I haven’t gotten over this yet. I know better.”

Traditional therapy and psychology are amazing at helping you understand why you’re doing the things you’re doing. But that’s not enough! What good is it to have someone tell you, “Well, I can see why you have anxiety. You had this scary experience when you were three and now your brain is stuck in fight or flight.” Then they send you home!

And you feel like, “Well, that confirms what I already knew. There’s something wrong with me. Now it’s official.” And you get to feel like a broken person the rest of your life. You may learn coping skills, but you’re never given the option to retrain your brain so that you aren’t stuck anymore! That drives me nuts! Or worse, someone gives you advice like ‘Just think positively. Just pray more. It’s all in your head.’ Many people hear that and it just confirms even further the notion that there’s something wrong with them.

The truth is there is NOTHING wrong with you!

It's never too late to have a happy childhood!

February 27, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

Some people have lovely childhoods. Lovely parents and lots of great memories. Not many people do. Many experience broken parents and broken families. Maybe that’s you. What happens a lot is that people with that history, spend a lot of time, energy and effort dragging it around into the future. Carrying all the pain forward. This isn’t necessary! Last week I shared a little about how my past affected me. I had baggage of feeling worthless. Once I decided to quit carrying it, everything changed. This decision is powerful. And now my story is that I’m an amazing pearl! I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I have so much more peace in my life. I was blessed because I got to see my mom change her story first. She decided to lose the baggage- even though she didn’t know how or have an example to go from in real life. She, and many other women in her era, trail blazed. She also read stories of others who broke free.

Stories are powerful. We tell ourselves stories every day. I talk about this a lot. How we think about something and the story we tell around it is powerful. There are so many wonderful examples of stories of overcoming abuse, anxiety, poverty, and trauma. They give us hope. But if you tell a story that you lost out on your childhood and will never get it back, that’s depressing. It may be true, but it’s heavy baggage to carry around. It steals joy from today. Maybe the pain lasted 5 years, or 18 years until you left home. Why make it last any longer? Why bring the pain with you for another 5 years or 20 years? That only hurts you more!

‘It’s never too late to have a happy childhood’ is true! Marisa Peer, Britain’s top therapist and creator of RTT, says this all the time.

Are you a Pearl?

February 19, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

Did you know that an Australian South Sea Pearl Oyster has produced a pearl worth 1.5 million dollars? I guess they’re one of the most valuable gems know to mankind. What’s amazing is how and where they are formed.

A grain of sand or small organism gets into the shell and becomes an irritation or threat to the pearl. So the oyster begins to secrete nacre, the same substance the shell is made of. This eventually surrounds the unwanted guest. The nacre continues to build every year until this gorgeous pearl is formed. Scientists have tried and failed to create any kind of accurate replica of nacre. It’s made of millions of tiny crystals that fit together perfectly in a sphere and reflect light absolutely beautifully.

This precious gem is birthed from irritation. From something unwanted. From a threat. It grows in a dark and unpleasant environment. Even if you eat oysters and love them, you gotta admit they’re not pretty.

Maybe your environment growing up wasn’t pretty. Maybe it was dark. Maybe you were unwanted, treated like an irritation. Maybe there’s a situation you’re facing right now that’s an irritation- even a threat to all you love. What if you’re this precious pearl. What if this horrible situation you’re facing is becoming a pearl. A treasure in your life- a time that you learned and grew into the person you always wanted to become. A time to break off hurtful patterns and change directions in life- where your life becomes beautiful.

What I love is that you never have to accept the irritation as good. Or love it. I get so mad when people say, “You should be happy about this, I’m sure God will use it in your life.” That hurts and doesn’t allow you to just be mad and cry and be whatever you are in that moment. It kinda says, “You should be happy, not a hot mess, because that makes me uncomfortable.” There are no “shoulds”. When you have a threat or irritation or unwanted experience, you need to react however you react. You may scream, cry, hate everyone, get depressed for a little while, ask for help, feel all the feelings, whatever you need to do. There is a time for anger and weeping and just falling apart. Don’t be ashamed of that part. That’s where you’re building the pearl. And when you’re done, in your time, you’ll have this precious gem. Or you’ll realize, like I did, that you’ve always been the precious pearl.

Overcoming self doubt and second guessing

February 14, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

“What if I’m screwing it all up? What if I don’t know what I’m doing? What if they find out that I’m clueless? I’ve already messed up so much, how do I get up and move on and act confident now? What if I’m not good enough.”

These are really scary questions!! They’re common to all of us. Pause and think about that for a second please. You’re not the only one thinking you’re awful sometimes. I do too. I don’t think you’re awful, I mean I think I’m awful sometimes…. And so does every person you’ve ever met. The only difference between content people and miserable people is what we do with these thoughts.

In an RTT session we reprogram the mind, and each of my clients gets a recording to listen to for 21-30 days. This rewires the mind for success with specific issues. But telling yourself “I am enough” is a lifelong practice. Figuring out what you specifically need to hear, and telling your mind wonderful truths, is the game changer.

Lastly, know that self doubt is normal- but you don’t have to stay there! As soon as you notice it, kick it out! There’s no reason to drag that critical bully around with you anymore. You got this!

Perspective Is Everything

February 8, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

You have a pencil sized device in your brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). This is the part of your brain that decides how to filter out all the unnecessary information you get each second. If non-essential info wasn’t filtered out, you’d go crazy. It would be totally overwhelming. Scientists say you can handle 40 bits (not sure what exactly a bit is) of info a second into your conscious mind. But the amount of information coming into your eyes straight to your brain is 40 million bits! I’m so grateful I don’t have to think about processing all that!

So how does your brain decide what gets past the subconscious into the conscious part of your mind and into your life? Programming.

Your mind needs to keep you alive and safe. So anything that could be a threat will get into your conscious. What’s a threat? Well, there are real threats, like an angry dog, or speeding car. Then there is programming from past experiences with danger. Maybe you were bit by a dog years ago, so ALL dogs are scary. Your RAS puts any dog in the high alert section. Even a small, harmless dog.
Your mind also needs to feel belonging. So other humans get priority- especially family and loved ones. My husband snores in bed right next to me at night and I rarely hear it. But if my daughter is whimpering across the house, I hear that. (I may wait to see if Travis will get up first, but I still hear it…) Social scientist know that you also pick up on tons of body language unconsciously. When people hide their hands behind their back, it makes you uncomfortable. If people don’t make eye contact, you don’t trust them.

Love is a basic need

February 2, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

If you were drowning or starving, everyone would expect you to freak out. You’d be doing whatever you possibly could to survive. No one would blame you or shame you. Most people would stop everything they were doing and help.

Love is a basic need like air and food. Most people have heard of the studies done with babies. A group of infants were given food and shelter, but not love, and over time, they did die. I’ve thought about this a lot. Those babies who never got human touch and eye contact, died. But many babies who have been abused, live. So this need for connection and love is overwhelming. Even if the connection is negative.

When you don’t receive healthy love as a child, you do goofy things. Just like a person who’s starving will dig through the garbage for food, a person starved for love will look for it in all the wrong places. If you see a starving person, your heart goes out. You do something to help. We all would. Just like the person drowning. We help those who need air or water.

But when we see a person starving for love, our culture shames them. We blame them for being irresponsible, sinning, and being out of control. We look down on them. We look down on ourselves. That’s not to say the behaviors aren’t damaging. Just like when a person is drowning, they can actually drown the person trying to save them because they’re so afraid. We never say to a drowning person, “You’re sinning! The ten commandments say “thou shalt not kill!” That would be ridiculous.

So if you find yourself looking for love in all the wrong places, or know someone who is, I’d like to invite you to look at the situation differently. If your tendency is to judge the behavior, feel horrible about yourself and hide the truth, instead think about the root cause. Then get help to fix it.

We can look around society and easily find how shaming isn’t working at all. When behaviors are shamed they go underground and grow. When I have an infection and try to cover it up and hope it goes away, it gets worse. That’s been the popular way of dealing with addictions and anxiety and relationship issues. All of which are growing exponentially each year. The number of people experiencing anxiety has skyrocketed.

"I choose" can change your life!

January 24, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

We are coming up on the end of January. A time when a lot of people are still thinking about health goals. If you have committed to eat better, drink more water, eat less sugar, or wheat or dairy, or whatever, then I want to share a powerful tool with you.

When you operate by default, you end up thinking that things aren’t fair. That other people have it easier. That you are the only one who can’t eat pizza. Or bread. Or sugar. This thinking puts you in a place of feeling powerless and weak. You’re telling a story where you’re the victim. Life isn’t fair. You can do this about any area of our lives, but I’m going to focus on eating right now.

You tell yourself a story about food. This story is true. Even if it’s not. Your mind can’t tell the difference. If you tell a story like the one above where it’s not fair, that everyone else gets to eat pizza and you don’t, then your mind will get busy finding all the reasons that’s true. You’ll focus on people who get to eat what you can’t. You’ll notice every last reason that it’s not fair- you’ll be like a magnet to it! No one else will even see all the unfairness. And as you see the ways it’s not fair, you’ll feel terrible!

How about you tell a better story. What if there are millions of other people who also have restrictions. Because there are. Millions who embrace restrictions. Think about what actors eat. Some have to gain muscle for certain roles. What athletes eat. What dancers eat. They have to be very aware of how the food they eat makes them operate and perform. Think of what a doctor who works a 12 hour shift gets to eat. Or a nurse. A dentist refuses to eat garlic or onions so that she doesn’t have terrible breath for clients. Or doesn’t drink tea or coffee so her teeth stay white. A vegetarian doesn’t eat meat. But we don’t hear them complaining all day about how it’s not fair. Not to mention the early hours to get up and work out for athletes, years of study for doctors, hours of hot makeup or uncomfortable costumes for actors. I’m sure there are many other examples you can think of.

How does Rapid Transformational Therapy work?

January 22, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

So you are ready to change your life. You know that something’s gotta give. You can’t live the rest of your life with this anxiety, anger, excess weight, addiction, or broken relationships. You have already taken the most important step in changing your life, which is deciding to do something about it. You have decided to get help and stop blaming everyone else. This is the hardest part!

I believe that this transformation process is a part of life. Life leads us to it at the right time. You realize there is an enemy and it’s you! Then life leads you to an answer. You encounter a person, book, or YouTube video with the answer that will work for you. And then another and then another. It’s really an incredible process of built-in healing.

You spend the first part of your life learning how to relate to the world. Extracting meaning from all of your experiences. You learn whether life is safe, whether you are loved, if people can be trusted. Or that you aren’t safe, or loved, or able to trust. Most people run into something in their childhood that makes them feel like they are not enough. Why?

This set point of feeling not enough is part of the human condition. It’s normal to feel unworthy. It’s terrible, but true. Somewhere along the way we learn it. From parents (who learned from their parents), or a teacher or coach or relative or even TV. If you look around you can easily see this. You can also see some people who have overcome it. They’re confident and successful. How’d they do it?

They started just like you are right now, if you’re thinking that you need help. They decided the old programming wasn’t serving them. And they set about learning how to change the program. How to rewire their minds for success. Just like you are able to. Just like I was able to to overcome anxiety and relationship struggles in my own life.

I know that when someone finds RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy), it’s because they’re supposed to find it. There are many ways to heal. I know people who’ve healed through diet and exercise, through reading powerful books, from a deep conversation with a friend, from watching amazing YouTube videos, from going to church, or learning to meditate. I believe that we can heal in many ways.

RTT is one way that’s perfect for getting past subconscious beliefs that are holding you back. If you’ve done all the things and worked really hard with your conscious mind, but still feel stuck, then you need RTT.

Can pictures and words cause anxiety?

January 15, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

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Have you ever been grossed out by something you heard while you were eating? Someone shares a story over lunch and you can’t eat any more? What happened? Your mind had a powerful response to the pictures and words that were given to it. There was no physical reason to be grossed out. It was just a story. But your imagination caused a physical reaction in your body.

This is how our brains work. Marisa Peer, Britain’s top therapist, explains this as one of the Rules of the Mind. The mind responds to the pictures we give it and the words we tell it. Pictures are powerful. Words are powerful. Enough to cause you to lose your appetite. Enough to cause you to feel anxiety. Enough to cause stress that leads to illness.

‘Stress is a factor in five out of the six leading causes of death — heart disease, cancer, stroke, lower respiratory disease, and accidents. An estimated 75 percent to 90 percent of all doctor visits are for stress-related issues. There seems to be a trend here. Illness and stress.’ (According to stress management expert, Joe Robinson)

These terrible statistics actually provide some good news. Because we have figured out some powerful ways to reduce stress. You have more control over this than you think. You can’t take all the problems out of life. Life is hard sometimes. I love Glennon Doyle’s word. ‘Brutiful’. Because every moment carries both hard and amazing aspects. When you choose to look at the amazing, your mind responds by hitting you with good hormones and decreasing stress hormones. Sounds good right?

So how do the pictures and words you are feeding your mind cause stress? Your mind cannot tell the difference between the images and words you give it, and reality. That’s why you actually stopped eating when your friend (or most likely a family member) told you the disgusting story while you were eating lunch.

Unhappy people have lots of stress because they use lots of negative pictures and words. These words and pictures release cortisol that causes illness. Happy people paint different pictures about the problems. They use better words.

New Year's Resolution VS Realistic Resolution

January 10, 2019 Cyrina Talbott

Do you have few things you want to change this year? Get in shape, be a better parent, partner, employee, boss. Save some money?

Most New Year’s Resolutions fail. I probably didn’t have to tell you that. How many of your items from last year are still on your list this year? Some of them? All of them? There are lots of reasons. And lots of motivational videos on YouTube you can watch. What I’d like to share is one shift in thinking that helped me to start to reach goals, instead of getting super frustrated with myself and quitting.

The biggest shift in my mind was to stop putting a short/unrealistic time limit on goals. Instead of giving myself three weeks to lose 10 pounds or 30 days to be a better mom, I give myself 6 months or a year to accomplish my goals. For some things I give myself even longer. I keep going for as long as it takes to get there. This is not the same as saying ‘Oh, I’ll do it tomorrow.’ No, this is me working regularly at my goals, but taking the stress of a date that is too unreachable, off of it.

This longer time frame keeps me in reality. If you want to lose 20 lbs and give yourself 2 months, you are likely to fail. NOT because you aren’t trying. NOT because you lack will power. NOT because you are a weak and terrible person. But because you set yourself up to fail by being unrealistic. It’s the same as saying I want to drive to Chicago in 20 minutes. Unless you live that close, this idea is crazy and you wouldn’t feel dumb if you failed. You would know it’s not possible and give yourself more time. You’d look up the directions on your phone, and set a realistic goal- hopefully you give yourself pit stops to pee as well. If you live 15 hours from Chicago, and you give yourself 17 hours to get there, you’ll succeed!!

So why are we a little insane about our goals? Well, you could blame greedy people who just want to sell a program or shakes. It’s a conspiracy! Or you could understand humans tend to be a little insane about goals.

We take a fantasy of being size 6 or losing 15 lbs in 10 days, and squash it together with lies about being self disciplined. “This time I’m only eating ice cubes and carrots!” What could go wrong? We also add a dash of cruelty to our innocent and magnificent bodies. “I don’t care how long it’s been since you’ve eaten! It’s January 5th and we’re going to do this! 500 calories a day is reasonable!”

We do the same thing with all our goals. We want to be the best mom and feel horrible if we yell at our kids. We want to love our spouse well, but fail. So we give up.

So you quit in 2 months, or more likely, 3 days. It’s really not quitting. It’s reality hitting you in the face. You’ve driven 20 minutes and you are NOT in Chicago.

What if you had just stuck with it for 4 more months- 16 more weeks. 120 more days? You would have made it. Instead you go 365 more days until next January, to start this process of failure all over again. And what if you allow yourself to fail along the way? To keep going until you get it, not beat yourself up when you revert back to old behaviors and habits?

When you give yourself time, you can celebrate along the way. You can fail and know you are still on your way. Not beat yourself up. And kindness motivates. Being mean to yourself doesn’t.

So be kind! Be realistic. Set some goals and give yourself time to reach them. You got this! And if you’ve already given up on any goals from January 1st, start again! You are worth it!

If you are finding yourself struggling with emotional pain, anxiety, or feeling stuck, check out www.cyrinatalbott.com.

How to survive "no man's land" of change

December 18, 2018 Cyrina Talbott

When you begin to learn about how and why you behave in the ways you do, you learn that you can choose to go from unwanted behavior, to wanted behavior. From overweight to healthy. From smoker to non smoker. From anxious to calm. The hardest part of the journey is a short amount of time after you let go of the unwanted behavior, and before you’re used to the new wanted behavior. This in between place is something that I’ve begun to call “no man’s land.’ Some scientists call it the ‘dip’, when you can actually feel like you are moving away from your goal, but are totally on your way to your goal.

You’ve left the safety of the familiar. Even if that was not really safe. Your mind felt safe there because it was predictable. Your mind equates predictable with safe. Even if the predictable was eating 5 pieces of cake everyday. Even if familiar was feeling stuck and defeated. There is a false sense of security in what we know.

So now you’ve decided to eat less cake, maybe even no cake. You’ve made it 4 days! But you feel totally frustrated today. Maybe a little scared or wondering what’s going on. It’s so hard. Everyone else gets to eat cake! And of course it’s your birthday and you made this stupid decision to stop eating cake. Who does that?

Technically what’s going on is that in your brain you have neuropathways. Where messages have traveled over and over so much they create a rut. You’ve probably heard this. The messages cause you to feel a certain a way and then you behave a certain way and then you feel a certain way and so on.

Here’s the crazy part. When you go to change a behavior, you begin to carve a new path. The old path actually reaches out to tries to grab the new path and pull it in!! How creepy is that?? So how does anyone actually succeed?

Do you Resist the healing process?

December 14, 2018 Cyrina Talbott

The first time I ever went to a therapist, I said, “I’d like a pill to fix me. If there isn’t a pill, I’ll give you like 6 weeks tops to get this figured out.” She laughed at me! She was an amazing woman. And wanting to fix years of pain with a pill instantly is kinda funny.

I was devastated to learn this whole “healing” process takes time. I had another psychologist tell me I needed to spend time loving my inner child. I never went back to him! What the heck does it mean to “love your inner child"? I pictured myself rocking in a corner. That’s not what he meant, I know, but it’s what I pictured! And there was no way I was going to do that.

I was so relieved and thrilled when I first heard Brene Brown’s Ted Talk about how she hated going back to her past to figure out her present and heal. I thought I was the only person who resisted this stuff.

I now know with every bone in my body that it works. I learned through experience and I even became a therapist! I found and learned a method that works quickly, because I still want to have this process take as little time as possible! I’m now able to say I’ve walked this path and I totally believe in it. But I have been resistant pretty much every step of the way.

Every healing concept— going to your past, loving yourself, gratitude, meditation (which for me involves God), learning to “let go”, forgiveness, allowing— have been hard for me to grasp. Eventually I get it, but it takes me a while… My first response is usually, “No. Let’s try anything but that.”

So why did I keep going? Because I want to heal. I need to heal. For my kids. For my relationships. For myself. I have to do this stuff.

How do you learn to trust again?

December 11, 2018 Cyrina Talbott

Learning who to trust and how to trust is a skill we can all learn and continue to grow in.

The way most people (myself included) learn, is by screwing up! Allowing people to use you, or abuse you, is how most of us figure this out. There comes a point in your life where you learn that you can’t trust the person you thought you could. So you learn not to trust that person. And that’s good. Don’t trust untrustworthy people.**

Unfortunately many people stop trusting anyone once they’ve been hurt once or twice. Or 5,000 times. This makes sense. Rejection actually feels like extreme pain in our minds and bodies. Scientist have measured pain receptors in the brain and found the same areas that light up when a person is rejected or humiliated are the same areas that light up when a person has been physically injured. To your mind it’s the same thing.

If you don’t trust anyone, you’ll be isolated and lonely. You and I are built for connection and relationship and distrust wrecks that.

Learning to say no to damaging behavior is the foundation of healthy relationships. But knowing when to say yes and no, is where we get to live our lives to the fullest. So how do you say yes to anyone? You want to trust the right people. You want amazing love relationships and friendships and family relationships. You’ve said no to those that hurt you. Now what? You might be afraid to say yes to the wrong person again. Or be afraid that yes takes you right back to pain.

Start within yourself. You need to start by trusting yourself. So that you know what it feels like and looks like to trust others. And to know when to choose NOT to trust someone.

Believe yourself. Know that when it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. Get good at believing yourself. If you have had poor boundaries, it’s because on some level you have been in denial or lying to yourself. Did that hurt you? Then admit it. Is their behavior stressing you out? Admit it. This takes practice.

The Three A's of Dealing with Emotions (Part 3 of 3)

December 6, 2018 Cyrina Talbott

OK, lets recap Marisa Peer’s Three A’s of dealing with emotions.

First, you become Aware of your emotions. You simply notice them. Stop for a minute and think about what you are feeling. Then you Allow your feelings. No judgement. Just allow whatever comes up, to come. If it’s anger, sit a minute longer to see what’s under the anger. There is always hurt or fear underneath. The last A is Articulate. Talk about your feelings.

If you are like most people, this last A, articulation, or talking about how you feel, can be super scary. And uncomfortable. And the last thing in the world you’ll ever do willingly, thank you very much. But it’s needed and healing and sets you free. So you might want to try it…

I’m going to give you a few tips and ideas about how to do this. I have no idea what you may be picturing when I say “talk about your feelings.” But I have a hunch it’s not positive. We don’t see many healthy examples of how to do this. It may not be familiar at all. You may picture a person who is very emotional or who doesn’t deal with emotions, just stays stuck in them and blames others. Or you may be like, ‘If I told everyone how I really feel, I’d have about zero friends by tomorrow night.’

The good new is that most of the time when you articulate your feelings, it only needs be to yourself. No need to share with everyone all the time. This does not mean blame. This isn’t sharing your emotions or pain with anyone who will listen. That just keeps it there longer. This is about getting honest with yourself. Telling yourself how you feel first. This powerful practice of telling yourself how you feel, helps the feeling pass. It’s the last step to get it up and out and gone. It stops the build up that causes outbursts of anger and hurt relationships.

I don’t know much about cars. So whenever I have to deal with them, I feel stupid. I had to get a headlight a couple of weeks ago. I avoided it. It’s super easy, but just going into the car parts store makes me feel stupid. I grew up with four brothers so I’m kinda tough, but I don’t really care about cars. I care about what color a car is. So even though I can change the oil and change a tire, and know a little about cars that I like, I’m still embarrassed about all that I don’t know. So anyway, by the time I got around to buying a headlight, I got pulled over because I had a taillight missing too. (At least that’s what I thought the cop said) So I go in and have the guy behind the counter at the car parts store get me a headlight and tell him my taillight is missing too. He asks if it’s the inside or outside light. I have no clue. So I ask what the difference. He says the outer edge is the outside. I feel like an idiot. I don’t know which it is. So I go outside and check. Both lights look fine. So then I figure out, it must be the brake light. (Oh, yeah, I remember now, the cop said brake light.) So I go in and buy the headlight. I don’t even bother with the brake light. I just want to get out of there as fast a possible. I feel like they all are judging me for being a dumb woman who drives a minivan and got stuck in a car wash a few weeks ago…(that’s another story, but true, and ads to my shame) because they know how bad I am at life…

I’m not sure if you can relate, but what I did with all these feelings was NOT follow the three A’s. At least not till later. What I did instead was start to be really mad at my husband. And mad at myself. He should take care of this stuff!! And I should know more. But I don’t. And I shouldn’t have gotten stuck in the car wash, but I did.

Three A's of dealing with emotion (Part 2 of 3)

November 26, 2018 Cyrina Talbott

You brush your teeth every day to keep them healthy. Dealing with emotions is the same way. You can “brush” them daily or as often as you need to, so that you avoid “cavities” such as anxiety and pain in relationships. Each of us is taught how to brush when we are little. Unfortunately no one teaches emotional hygiene when we are young. But you can learn today, and be free from painful “cavities” from now on!

Marisa Peer, award winning celebrity therapist and creator of RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy), shares that Awareness, Allowing, and Articulating are key in dealing with emotions in a healthy way. In the last post I talked about the first “A’ of the Three A’s of emotions. Awareness. You need to be aware of what you are feeling at the time you feel it.

Three A's of dealing with emotions (Part 1 of 3)

November 20, 2018 Cyrina Talbott

All of us have emotions sometimes that are overwhelming. We can feel rage, despair, sadness, or fear that make us think that there must be something wrong with us. Do other people deal with this?

We also judge ourselves for feeling rage or hate toward someone. We think it for a moment and then push it down, and think ‘that’s a horrible thought, I can’t feel that.’

But you can. And you should. Marisa Peer, award winning celebrity therapist and creator of RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy), shares that Awareness, Allowing, and Articulating are key in dealing with emotions in a healthy way. There’s a huge irony here because if you do the Three A’s, the feelings actually lessen or disappear. And if you say, ‘This is wrong or bad, I can’t feel this way or I shouldn’t feel this way,’ you actually cause the feeling to grow. Instead of letting it come up and out, it stays in you and builds every time another “bad” thought is added to it.

The first A is for Awareness. Become aware of how you are feeling. This may sound super simple-most of these tools are. It’s simple, but hard at first. I used to be so out of touch with my feelings that before they could even come to the surface, I would feel myself swallowing them. This seemed so helpful at the time! I didn’t cry, or get mad, or express fear. At least not in public and not very often. But I still HAD the feelings, so they were in me and came out sideways- as I like to call it. Sideways means you don’t deal with your emotions and so they come out in a different way, somewhere else in your life. For me it was letting all the emotions out at home as anger toward my husband and kids, and not feeling peaceful or calm. I was anxious. Because there was no healthy release of emotions- they were always right under the surface. This is SO common! If you do this please know that you are NOT alone.

By stuffing (I use this phrase for pushing down emotions so they can’t come up to the surface, and refusing to face them) my ‘bad’ emotions, I also had a hard time feeling the good emotions in life. I stayed shut down even when I wanted to feel good. When we close ourselves off to anger, jealousy, or guilt because those emotions feel terrible, our body only sees that we are stuffing emotions. The body does not judge good or bad. So it just learns to stuff. So we also stuff good emotions like joy, excitement, and hope. Not fun!

So for me, becoming aware of my emotions meant I became aware that I was stuffing them- literally it felt like I swallowed them. I also had to quit labeling emotions as ‘bad’. Anger is not bad! It’s simply an indicator. Like a light on the dashboard of your car. If the gas light comes on we don’t say, ‘Oh no! Running out of gas is bad. I’m going to cover up that light! Maybe it’ll go away.’ Of course it doesn’t, and neither do our emotions.

Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself?!

November 8, 2018 Cyrina Talbott

I have a guess about you. I guess that when someone comes to you for help or encouragement, you are kind. Good guess huh? I’m guessing you would not ever say anything like this:

“I can’t believe you are still stuck on this. We talked about this same thing 3 months ago, seriously!”

“You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just get back to work!”

‘‘You are such a drama queen!”

“I’d just give up if I were you. You are stupid and shouldn’t even try!”

“Who do you think you are to try to do that?!”

Can you imagine if you ever spoke to a friend or loved one like that? What would happen? Hopefully anyone who hears talk like that runs for the hills!

But that is EXACTLY how we talk to ourselves. And many times much crueler. Now imagine the friend that we spoke to that way to doesn’t leave. They just listen to the abuse year after year. How emotionally healthy would they be?

How we speak to ourselves is SO important.

Now science is catching up with all this and measuring the results of kind self talk vs mean self talk. Turns out being kind to yourself is profoundly good for you! How you talk to yourself affects your emotional health, stress levels, and ability to handle hard situations. It even affects physical health related to stress.